What a busy week. Trying to settle back in from SPLF. A lot of processing of information and ideas and feelings. "Event drop" this time wasn't too bad, but still bad enough. Plus it's March and those who know me know that March is always a really rough month for me emotionally. Some years it's worse than others. Sometimes it starts off ok but ends up completely slamming me by the 15th. i take it as it comes.
Saturday as we headed out for the gym , i noticed a beautiful young husky running loose. Of course, we had to drop everything and hunt her down. She was wearing a harness and tags so we knew she was a well loved pup. She also had some super speedy legs. She lead us on a merry romp thru the mud & fields in the neighborhood. i was pleased with how many people tried to help us but equally shocked how many people just turned their backs and walked away. Sad. Eventually we got her cornered and managed to tackle her. Just as Master was wrestling her down and cars went whizzing by, her completely distraught dog-father came running up sobbing. i think he thought she got hit by a car, since we kind of had her pinned down to the ground at that point. It wa a happy and gratifying reunion! Our good deed for the day!
Sunday we kicked serious butt at the gym - we both did (drum roll please) 708 lb leg presses! Whoo Hoo! If only i could get my arms to catch up to my leg strength.
Looking forward to a good week. Peace!

Today is Lilu's adoption day! I can't believe she's been with us since 2004. i sang to her this morning ("Li li li li li lu"-to the tune of happy birthday) and she howled and barked and spun around in a circle. Fun!
Last night was not so fun. From 3:30 in the afternoon i couldn't stop yawning and i get really cold. by the time i got home at 5, i was completely wiped out, chills, fever. Master put me to bed and i slept for 5 hours, got up and drank a half gallon of water and went back to bed until this morning. i feel much better. What the heck was *that* all about? Maybe toxic overload from all that Jack in the Box food this past weekend? Either way, feeling better. i'll try to lay low for the rest of the day and see if i've beaten this bug.
Also -i'm crossing my paws for a good friend and i hope she gets the good news today and gets to "pick up" what she's been waiting for!

So, in the 6 weeks leading up to SPLF, i was beginning to feel more and more apprehensive. i just did not want to go. i tried analyzing it myself and finally, later rather than sooner, came clean with ML that i really just didn't want to go. i just wasn't sure if it was the money, which is still in short supply, or if i was afraid of finishing up the new classes (new classes which, of course, push every one of my own buttons and issues) or what. Master didn't have a good answer for what was bothering me.... but the night before we were going to leave, as it looked like we might get snowed in, i blurted out "i'm ok with not going, i'm tired of all these fake people anyway."
Master looked at me like i had 2 heads. 'What fake people? You don't mean in Dallas, do you?"
"well, no.... but...."

Yeah, so it turns out that because i'm just not happy with my interaction with people on the internets and on certain email groups that i'm on, i was lashing out at the Leather Community as a whole. We ended up being able to fly out on time and once we got there, i spent a lot of time talking to MW, who helped me to be able to put a lot of stuff in perspective. He's going thru many similar things, and in having conversations with other people on the same topic, i think all of our local communities are going through a flux right now. This is purely my opinion, a goodly portion of it is a sense of entitlement that is absolutely rampant. Also people (of both the M and the s persuasion) trying to grab power from outside rather seeking power within themselves. It's funny how when i complained about what i was seeing and feeling, that people from all over the country would laugh and say "But are you sure you're not from MY town? Because it's the same there too!" Which made me laugh but at the same time made me really quite sad. Because that means i can't get away from this!

But, such is life. It's never static, it's almost always wildly entertaining in a "oh-shoot-what's-happening-*now*-kind of way. i ended up having a great time, both our classes went really, really well. i absolutely adored the individuals and families that shared with the group all of their own trials and tribulations. i ended up completely melting down after the last class because i was so moved by the people who showed up (and i mean *showed up*!) to participate. From E. and her new Master, to the Triad who added so much to the conversation, to "Mr. Nickelback t-shirt" (He's always in our classes but i never remember His name....lol... but He adds so much!) (and His girl is so darn CUTE!) (and strong!)

i'm glad we made it there, i remember now why i love doing what i do. i remember why i love this community. i remember now that the first time i walking in the door at South Plains, i knew that i was finally home. my heart is full again!

In the past few weeks, I found this lovely website and entered a contest /give away for these loverly cuff links. Lucky me, I won them. Even more luckily, I had recently picked up a French cuffed men’s shirt for a dollar at the local thrift store. Delightful! Now I can wear it properly instead of rolling up the sleeves. They look even better in real life, no funky crystal eyes but they do have crossed bones behind them. Please do check out the website. It’s a lot of fun.

 

We had something “returned” to us that I wasn’t even aware was lost…. So, that just made me laugh, out loud and otherwise. I could be annoyed but really, why bother? It’s much more funny and sad than anything to be angry over.

 

I received an email from an old and very Dear friend of mine, asking the spelling of my maiden name as he wants to use some promotional photos that I took for him about a million years ago.  Of course he had the spelling correct and of course I wholeheartedly embrace the project. It’s nice to get the credit since I had so many of my photos used with out permission back in the day. (Yes, Doug Carrion, I am talking about you and the cover of Dag Nasty’s Field Day album!) Respect of intellectual property and art is a very important thing, don’t you think?  I should have copies of the project in my hot little hands around the holidays. It’ll be a 20 year anniversary re-issue of something that was so close to my heart at the time. I don’t want to say more than that right now…..i am just still so stunned that it’s been twenty years. Time flies.

 

On the weight lifting front, I had the brilliant idea to add hack squats to the set. Oy, my aching thighs! It’ll be worth it in the long run – my back doesn’t hurt as much as it did and I know it’ll strengthen my knees (which are a screwed up mass of cartilage stew) enough so that I will be able to do “real” squats eventually. In the mean time, I press on with my leg press progress and did 548 lbs yesterday. Without puking, I might add. Although, I really wanted to, especially after the second set of 15 reps. 

 

All the other weights are also progressing. Upper body work where I was stuck in the same weight ranges forever have finally begun to be increased. Part of the slowness in the increase was the fact that I started with so little upper body strength, that I lose some range of motion from the IV Port surgery and have some shrunken tendons as a result of some of the medications that I took. The other part of the slowness is the fact that I was just being lazy, stubborn and feeling sorry for myself. I’ve been working hard to keep in mind that when I work out I am achy and sore and feel like crap and when I DON’T work out, i am still achy and sore and feel like crap. (this is residue from the illness that will most likely never go away) So, my options are work out or don’t work out and either way – I will still have random body aches and exhaustion. At least if I am working at getting stronger, then it’s moving in a positive direction. Even if I don’t see or feel the gain. It’s there. I heard someone say this week “I’m being proactive in my negativity” and that made me laugh but then I realized that is sort of what I have to do right now.

 

Getting ready to dig in to the next book on the list that Master wants me to tackle. It’s nice to read things that he’s suggested. I think it’s been pretty obvious in the way my attitude has changed that I am getting something out of it. I can’t wait to get started and so… off I go!

Master was at work early, worked until the afternoon, worked out, went home, *did laundry* (i am a lucky slave to have a Master who would do laundry to help a sick and drowning-in-work slave!) made & ate dinner alone, dealt with some small time crap and then had to go back to work.

i got to see Master for about 20 minutes today and the whole time we were together was focused on small time crap. What a fucking waste. i'm angry at myself for getting sucked in to some small time crap that isn't even worth talking about. i shouldn't have been surprised.

Now it's 8:20 pm and i won't get to see Him until late tomorrow. Or more likely Friday.
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i'm pluggin' away through the Henry Rollins book, A Dull Roar. Master read that one not too long ago and asked me to read it. It's a hard read. i really like Henry, he was/is a big influence in my life for a lot of years. (Despite having made me wet my pants once. Yes, it's true and it was non-consensual) It's difficult for me to read how hard everything is for him. However, since he and i have a lot in common (depression, rage, fear of people, love of good music and deep hatred of bullshit) it's been really good for me to see how he deals with that and what lessons i can apply to my own life.

Reading this made me look up the old article from Details magazine about Iron and the mind. i'm not linking to it, if you want to read it just google Iron+Henry Rollins. You'll find it.  Just a tiny snippit: "People have become separated from their bodies. They are no longer whole. I see them move from their offices to their cars and on to their suburban homes. They stress out constantly, they lose sleep, they eat badly. And they behave badly. Their egos run wild; they become motivated by that which will eventually give them a massive stroke. They need the Iron Mind." (i think Joe Cornish would like this article! Hint Hint!)

i'm certainly not saying the Henry has all the answers, i know that HE would never say that, but there are some nuggets of truth to be gleaned from a person who has lived life so hard and takes those truths he's worked out for himself so seriously. i'm glad Master asked me to read this one. It's done me a world of good.


--
Confrontation. Discipline. Application.
-Henry Rollins

Outside My Window...It’s a cloudy grey day, but there are deer stalking about in the woods behind my job!
I am thinking...about dinner!
I am thankful for...being able to do a 468 lb leg press at the gym…and still being able to walk.
From the slave quarters… getting ready to judge Mr. & Ms. NJ Leather this weekend.
From the kitchen...there’s a new sourdough starter bubbling away.
I am wearing...the ugliest green plaid dress in the world. But it’s comfy, so I don’t care if it’s hideous. I am also wearing grey and black striped socks with skulls on them and sneakers. (There goes my Leather girl cred, right out the window)
I am creating...cauliflower Kimchee. Is there such a thing? We’ll see in a week or two. Maybe all I’m making is 10 lbs of spicy cauliflower compost.
I am going...home in half an hour!
I am reading...A Dull Roar by Henry Rollins. It’s making me tired. That man lives at a pace that makes my Master look like a piker.
I am hoping...i feel good enough to workout tomorrow. (Tonsils flared up on Sunday)
I am hearing...The Cult, Sonic Temple
Around the house...Lilu is wandering around with her stapled, oozing leg – looking pathetic and acting unstoppable. She’s my skinny, weird looking, tough-as-nails pup.
One of my favorite things...my new, giant, fully body encompassing body pillow. It’s a pillow, no it’s a nest! NO, it’s a coccoon!
A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week: gearing up for the contest, and lots of time spent with Jake planning for Thanksgiving! (did I mention I love Jake?)
Here is picture thought I am sharing: Lilu with her Elizabethan collar on, so she won’t eat her staples.

Things have been bad, bad, bad lately.
i had my hours cut at work, as well as a swell pay cut. Plus i was told that i need to "step it up" and do more. Umm, ok... as they've gradually let people go or fired them over the years, i've picked up the work of others and now i do the work of 6 other people. i kid you not. But i need to step it up. Yeah.

So, all that in addition to whatever snarkyness is going on, general random hostility in the "scene", basic ill behavior, etc, etc is just wearing me down to the nub. i'm just so darn tired. i try really hard to be of the "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything" school of thought. Hmm.... but that's lead to being silent on the blog for months as well as being known as Silent barb. (oops, there i go being snarky too.)

So, that's all i'll say for now and i'll leave you all with a bit of beauty from my walk in the woods on this past Sunday. Beautiful Autumn leaves on a bed of moss.

Another test
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Yes. Yes. A test. Patience perigrine.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

New Tim Burton movie coming out. Yay! But, somehow this still from the movie looks really familiar to me and i'm not at all sure why. Weird. It's reminding me of someone and i can't for the life of me remember who. Well, anyway, it certainly doesn't matter.

i know i've been MIA for quite sometime. Things have been rough for me, this whole imbalanced thyroid thing is a pain in the butt. Dr. W adjusted my synthroid and now i have some pills in the most lovely shade of Robin's egg blue. And, let me tell you, "peri-monopause" is really for the birds. But other than minor physical complaints, i can't whine too much. i enjoy the month of June, since i get to spend time with my Family, from NYC, To Asbury, Atlanta and beyond.